Now actually pressing a pen into his upper lip, Robin Dupree’s thoughts were drawn back to the unusual request that had appeared in his inbox that morning. He had printed it off, as if he had begun to conduct an inquiry into the incident, so curious did he think that the request was. He wanted to read it again, so he accessed his Internet account and opened the mailbox. There it was, marked as “read” now but still there. It wasn’t a dream. He opened the mail and read:
Dear Robin,
I am afraid that my identity must remain secret for the time being. Nonetheless, you may honestly believe that I mean you no harm and that I desperately need your help.
I am in a situation with an associate and I believe that the situation may become quite unpleasant, unless a brave, noble fellow like you steps in and does an old friend a big favour.
Derek Nuddle attends the local church and claims to be a Jedi Knight. He is not. His appearance alone is enough to persuade even the layman that this is the case. However, he honestly believes himself not only to be a Jedi but to be “The” Jedi, “The Chosen One” – I have attached the prophecy, and although it is incomplete, I have come to the conclusion that Derek has made this wild claim about himself purely on the strength of the fact that the prophecy mentions “red hair” once, as a fragment. Derek has red hair.
Derek has crossed just about every boundary of social conduct that it is possible to cross in my short time of knowing him. I have studied his mind and brain and have found both to be badly damaged. He is a glutton, a fool, a preposterous and malignant man. His actions are reckless, inhumane, evil; he is perhaps the most stupid man on the planet, not to mention his ridiculous appearance – that of a gerbil after a particularly big meal that has been laced with LSD.
I have a strong suspicion that this man is planning to seriously injure me and/or members of my family. I need your help.
My plan is simple. You are to take on the guise of “Hangers” KcKnee, as SAS veteran with a very secret mission to save the world from a nuclear holocaust. You are to make contact and build and maintain a relationship that will ultimately lead him to trust in you enough to induce him into sending you a full and frank explanation of his terrible plans regarding myself and my family, thus saving our lives.
I have also attached details regarding making contact with the target, and some examples of the types of stories you can tell to help build rapport.
This is our most desperate hour.
In trust,
Obi Wan Kenobi’s Brother, Duggal.
About thorndale12
This blog is a parody of the lifestyle and behaviours and mindsets that led to my fall from the grace from a privileged and relatively stable up-bringing to my social demise and ultimate humiliation (at the hands of my peers), and that also ultimately led me to find God and repair my life, having become reconciled to those I hurt wherever possible.
It is not an apology, rather a tongue-in-cheek piss-take, and was written during a dark time in my life when I had turned from my sin and had begun to repair my life, but none of the (particularly) social graces had been returned to me. You have all had a lot of laughs at my expensive and this response, although inappropriate in many people's eyes, was a powerful coping mechanism in my recovery and for the hope that it might make a positive difference in other people's lives if I did not turn back from my repentance, I did not turn back because I had managed to divert my obsessions from malefaction to more healthy pursuits.
I think taking drugs is a very bad idea and I would strongly urge everyone never to do this. I escaped from my life of sin by the grace of God but not everyone is so lucky and drug and alcohol addiction are serious and often fatal behaviour problems. We are living in an age where dependency is a very bad idea so please turn to God if you have alcohol and drug related problems - he has helped me repair my life from a position of almost total destruction and he will do the same for you.
If I ever accede to a position of responsibility in the world, I am likely to come under a lot of persecution as a result of this blog and while it is not intended to cause offence, I don't care if you're offended by this. Whether or not it brings my downfall remains to be seen but I can rest assured that whatever I do, some, or many of you are going to accuse me of doing the wrong thing anyway. On the basis of this truth I've published this blog.
I hope you find God, in whatever form you find him, and that he helps you live lives that are worthy of him and you. And always remember: "You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master." Genesis 4:7
God is no respecter of persons - what has happened to me could happen to you, for "time and circumstance happen to all people"; so be careful how you judge, for "one day you too will be judged."
And I might also say that whether you believe God or not, the promises he gives are true nevertheless!
Psalm 7:
I come to you for protection, O Lord My God. Save me from my persecutors - rescue me! If you don't, they will maul me like a lion, tearing me to pieces with on one to rescue me. O Lord my God, if I have done wrong or am guilty of injustice, if I have betrayed a friend or plundered my enemy without cause, then let my enemies capture me. Let them trample me into the ground and drag my honour in the dust.
Arise, O Lord, in anger! Stand up against the fury of my enemies! Wake up, my God, and bring justice! Gather the nations before you. Rule over them from on high. The Lord judges the nations. Declare me righteous, O Lord, for I am innocent, O Most High! End the evil of those who are wicked, and defend the righteous. For you look deep within the mind and heart, O righteous God.
God is my shield, saving those whose hearts are true and right. God is an honest judge. He is angry with the wicked every day.
If a person does not repent, God will sharpen his sword; he will bend and string his bow. He will prepare his deadly weapons and shoot his flaming arrows.
The wicked conceive evil; they are pregnant with trouble and give birth to lies. They dig a deep pit to trap others, then fall into it themselves. The trouble they make for others backfires on them The violence they plan falls on their own heads.
I will thank the Lord because he is just; I will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High.
canheforgivethough 